The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of events! I dragged my exhausted ass (barely) across the summer semester finish line and passed both courses. To celebrate, my friends from school and I pigged out at the Cheesecake Factory. National Cheesecake Day=1/2 off all cheesecake happened to fall on the day of our finals. It was fate. From there I said my good-byes and hopped on a plane back to Sonoma County for my 2 week break before the official move back to Long Beach. As I've learned and stated before, it is best to never assume how an event or experience is going to play out and especially never assume how you are going to respond to said event or experience. I wasn't prepared to return.
A few days before I returned to Sonoma County I found out that Ally is pregnant. The vet had been unsure due to her small size (from being malnourished) and previous constipation, but with the ultrasound it was confirmed that there are two little furries growing in the belly. Quickly after the confirmation, the very sweet but adamant vet pushed for an abortion. I wasn't expecting the emotions that came with this suggestion/request. She said "We can schedule her first thing in the morning." She explained everything that I have always known and stood for. There are so many homeless animals on this planet, so many unwanted and suffering. Why allow 2 more? I looked at the vet and said, "I know you're going to think I'm a complete asshole and and a hypocrite, but I just can't do it." What ensued was me unloading everything from the past year onto her. I explained some recent painful events, how much courage and strength it took for me to decide to move to Long Beach to attend mortuary college and lastly how unexpected it was for me to be living alone in this new city for my first semester. I explained how Ally had given me a reason to come home after a long day of school and had been my only form of physical support on some very lonely nights. She was the warm body who laid next to me all night, who sat on my homework as I was trying to complete it and watched me fall apart and pull myself together on numerous occasions. It had become a support that was impossible to repay. This whole time, unbeknownst to me, I was sharing these moments with 2 others. I guess you never really know when or where an impromptu therapy session will occur. Everything that I have always stood for was instantly kicked out the window by my emotions. I walked out of the vets office carrying my knocked up cat and my head hung low feeling like I had just participated in dropping the bomb on Hiroshima. At the same time, I reminded myself that I had made a promise to Ally the day I lured her with my turkey hot dog that I would protect her from harm and for some reason these babies felt just as important for me to protect as they now felt like an extension of Ally. In the end, I could be wrong, but my gut won the battle against my principles.
Although I hired a wonderful and caring person to watch over Ally, the thought of leaving her alone and pregnant for 2 weeks killed me. When I arrived in Long Beach I was counting down the days until my departure and now I found myself counting down the days until I returned. Either way, I packed my bags, filled her food bowl and told her that I would see her soon with her new brother and sister in tow.
After a short plane and car ride I was back facing the front door of the Healdsburg apartment. Have you ever been on a long trip and when you returned everything was the same yet different? Maybe it was because I felt different. It wasn't until I returned to Healdsburg that I realized what I had left behind there. The past year in that apartment had been rough. I grew and learned a lot but all the memories were still there. I hadn't noticed while I was living in Long Beach how nice it was to be new. There was no one to run in to. No one to ask how Dan's recovery was going. No one to recognize me from past experiences. Best of all there were no visual reminders. No past buildings I used to work at in particular. I hadn't noticed how nice it had been to start over until I was back standing in the middle of an apartment filled with memories that I had mostly been trying to forget. Ryu immediately saw me and came running toward me so I could pick him up. What followed was a bit of a meltdown. When things were really hard last year, there were night where I just sat on the kitchen floor and cried. Ryu would always want me to hold and rock him as we sat there together. I think it was his way of calming down while at the same time knowing he was providing me the same comfort as well. As I picked up Ryu this night, we assumed our position on the kitchen floor where he let me comfort him by rocking and he comforted me by allowing me to finally release a years worth of emotions I hadn't noticed I still carried so heavily.
The 2 weeks that followed consisted of lots of wedding planning (including finding my dress!), an amazing going away party, lots of packing and saying many good-byes. Finally it was 4AM on moving day and it was time to hit the road on the long drive back to Long Beach. With everything we owned, our fish Sydney (RIP baby boy) and a hopeful attitude, Dan and I began our journey. Since it totals about 12 hours with a giant Uhaul, many pit stops and a tiny cabin, my parents agreed to fly Ryu and Alya down the day after we arrived so that we would have time to set up the apartment for them. All in all the trip went smoothly. We arrived safely in Long Beach, had help from a friendly drug addict moving in all our heavy furniture and began comforting the STILL pregnant Ally.
On the morning of my parents arrival I drove to the car wash so I could clean out my car. One of the younger and helpful guys who worked there came out to clean off the excess water from my car. He started chatting with me about the weather and I explained that where I had just moved from was a hell of a lot hotter so I wasn't going to complain about the 80 degree day in Long Beach. After asking me where I had just moved from he responded with, "How did you end up here?' He definitely wasn't expecting the mortuary college answer, but people never really are. "Wow! You must have some thick skin to handle that shit!" "Eh," I said, "in some ways yes, and in others no. I may be able to handle the death of babies, suicides and whatnot but it doesn't mean I don't end up crying and sitting on the kitchen floor like the rest of them, it's just about different shit, that's all." I can't say that he didn't look confused, but it was pretty clear to me. I left and made my way to LAX.
Despite a carrier escape from Ryu and receiving Alya in the form of a terrified lump at the back of her cage, both kitties arrived safe and sound the next day. Introduction were made between the 3 cats, but pregnancy hormones are preventing Ally from showing her manners...that's what I'm going to go with at least.
On the first night of their visit, as we were all leaving the apartment and stepping into the same alley where I had found Ally, I heard a tiny meow. All of a sudden my mom said, "Over there!" and stuck in a thorn bush was a little orange baby boy kitten. Through some scratched arms and hands I was able to pull him free and walk him back into the apartment. It was a much more simple rescue operation than with Ally to say the least. As I plopped him on the living room floor and watched him circle around trying to orientate himself, I wondered to myself, "How did you get here?" I've often wondered the same about Ally. I wonder what events led them to becoming homeless and out on the street. I wonder about what the male cat looks like that had his way with Ally. I wonder what small little thing, like maybe a bug, led them to run into my alley at the same exact moment I was walking through it. It's these small little convergences of events and experiences that lead to our varying paths. I've realized that although the last year of events have left me more battle scared than I had originally known, they all contributed to me sitting in this apartment at this moment. Little orange baby sleeping on my left, Ryu across the couch, Alya up on her cat tree and Ally probably sitting (miserably) in the bathroom sink trying to cool off her giant baby belly.
I can't beat myself up for the mistakes I have made and I have to learn that not all are my fault. You can not control another person's addiction, you are not responsible for someone else's shitty marriage or the ways they chose to ruin it, you can not feel like a demon for being emotionally attached to unborn kittens and you certainly can not feel like a bad person for not being able to save all the suffering animals in the world. You can only reflect on how you got to where you are right now and from there decide how you will proceed. It may take a few more emotional nights rocking on the kitchen floor with Ryu, but one day I would like to think that someone will ask me "How did you end up here?" and I'll look around and see myself in a solid career, a less negative view of the past and even more courage and strength than I've been able to muster lately. "Let me tell you the story..." I'll respond.
